It’s taken me an exorbitant amount of over thinking and overanalyzing situations to come to the conclusion that I don’t know why things happen. I may as well be a chicken with my head cut off running around, attempting to control things. It’s probably funny for God to watch me try to not only understand His ways, but undermine them, twist them to my own ends, ignore them, and then when I’ve created a huge mess, find comfort in what He already laid out for me. Silly human Sarah.
I’m always trying to control things, but when I’m in control I’m awful. There is great freedom in letting go of control and learning to trust. I think this is what my life will be about, getting acquainted with my place in this world, not as God but as a creation. The reality is, I don’t have control over everything. Planning my career path isn’t going to guarantee me security. Starting a family won’t guarantee me fulfillment. Living somewhere beautiful won’t guarantee me peace. The only thing I can rely on is that God loves me, wants what is best for me, and does what’s best for me and even when I cannot see it. My favorite passage of the Bible, Matthew 6:25, speaks on this:
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lillies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendorwas dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
So I pray for the ability to fold linens at work, focus on the feeling of the cloth on my fingers, on the everyday moments that are the summation and reality of my life, to make time less of a stranger. I want know what it is to soak up my minutes and hours and not wish them away for some fantasy. God is teaching me how to have a grateful heart, for small things… like how great my bed feels after working a double, or the feeling of water when you’re thirsty, the budding trees along my street. It is easy to see evidence of God’s love for us when you are looking. I pray for the transformation of my heart, so I could see the world with the eyes of a child who’s father gives them exactly what they need.